Puh, it has taken too long and too much effort for me to try and settle for a new “look” for my photos. I wanted something with much stronger colours but at the same time felt “timeless” and incorporated things I liked with black and white photos.
Here’s an older photo that I took with my OnePlus 3 that I experimented with and I think I’m getting there. But the look mostly works with sunny Paris haha. So I made a preset for it to have a starting point but it only works for photos taken with my old OnePlus so need to do lots more tweaking for my other cameras.
Looking Back at 2019
I keep doing my daily photos but I seem to be only doing the bare minimum, it is as if I like the idea of being of being someone who photographs everyday instead of actually doing it. I say I am passionate about photography but I have to show it too and all this is mostly to myself. Photographing everyday shouldn’t feel like a shore, it should be something I do without even thinking about it. So it seems even in my pursuit of my passion I’m totally lazy and “faking it”. Not only is it that I don’t learn anything new this way but I don’t grow as a photographer. I can’t show anything good from it either. I’m using the circumstances of my life as an excuse, always thinking I can’t photograph what I want because either I don’t have any money, I don’t have a place to do my photography, or what ever the reason might be, the truth is that I’m too much of a coward. Let me explain. The thing is that I’m scared of, is not knowing how to do something, photographing I know, but it’s finding people to photograph that I have trouble with. That is a problem I have for life in general, I’m too isolated and feel it’s never “a good time” to reach out to friends or people, feeling that I can’t trust my future enough to allow me to make commitments or to come through my promises. The same with my photography, if I manage to find good opportunity for interesting photos. I get scared and hesitant that I won’t be able to pursue it because “reasons”.
So that’s how my 2019 pretty much was, me looking at people from afar and most often not even looking at people but inanimate objects because that’s “safe”.
I want to experience life, experience the world and thus always be in a good position to find good photos. What my photography has always been is to have a reason to explore, to travel, to experience, and to meet people. It’s the best tool I have to do what I want to do in life. So when I fail at my photography I fail my life, so that has to stop and something I need to concentrate on making a genuine effort going forward and not be held down by my self-esteem issues.
What I want photography to be. Finding a core, an essence of me and the world I see and the world I want to find. That should be my primary goal, why else would I be doing this? How else can I even do something that might be good? I have to look onward not just for 2020 but it should set the tone and foundation for what will be my photography for the foreseeable future. I might be putting too much pressure on it but it’s more about feeling and seeing where it takes me. I have to figure out what I really am interested about and explore it, whatever it is, even if it is just to try it out.
One experiment I did, or tried to do was to only drink an espresso per day for 30 days. I thought I could cut down on how much coffee I drink and especially just how much time I spend in cafes. My plan was to see if that made me be out there living life more instead, photographing more.
And I failed miserably! Just managed to do a few days. I didn’t spend any less time in cafes and would often buy several espressos. I don’t even like espresso that much, I do prefer regular black coffee! So I just realised that why not just get what I want and went back to black coffee. No regrets!
For awhile now, I’ve done some small and big experiments in various ways in an effort to find out just what makes me tick and how I can maximise my enjoyment in life and I think also foremost to learn more about myself.
I’ll write about them no matter if I succeed or fail, either way I will have thoughts about them.
With what I think about love it might surprise some of you that there is a part of me that wants nothing more than to get married and start a family. I might have an old-fashioned and delusional romantic notion of what life is “supposed” to be, even if I know better. I really envisioned my life like that, that I would meet someone, we fall madly in love, choose and decide to spend life together, get a house near nature and have kids. Looking back at what I really waited for, pined for, what I firmly believed in, that I just had to meet the right one and the rest would follow naturally.
Wow just wow. I was never in a position to attract anyone to such life with me, and even if I did, I’m not sure that is what I really actually wanted. Probably just what I thought love was supposed to be, and maybe it wasn’t the kind of love that I really wanted or needed.
It has been a very rough ride to get to know oneself and unlearn and relearn everything, even basic stuff like that. I am in a much more healthy place now where I can envision having relationships but with the life I’ve chosen for myself and the future building for myself I have accepted some things just isn’t in the cards for me. My life is and will always be way too messy and I’m not sure I want to subject someone to it but if someone insists on being in my life then I would gladly share this journey with someone.
However about family and children, I still do really want to have children but it’s a strange combination of my intellectual side and my biological side. Biological side is simple, it comes from my lust wanting to impregnate all the pretty girls that I see daily. Intellectually it is based on the knowledge that I am the last one in our branch of the family tree that is humanity and if I don’t have children it ends with me. All those ancestors before me, meeting up and fucking since the dawn of mankind, always making the next generation when so many never get to pass on their genes. It’s hard knowing you can’t have children because of how your life is but at the same time your instincts are screaming.
So only time will tell what the future holds but at least I feel I will be ok which ever shape it takes.