Looking Back at 2019
I keep doing my daily photos but I seem to be only doing the bare minimum, it is as if I like the idea of being of being someone who photographs everyday instead of actually doing it. I say I am passionate about photography but I have to show it too and all this is mostly to myself. Photographing everyday shouldn’t feel like a shore, it should be something I do without even thinking about it. So it seems even in my pursuit of my passion I’m totally lazy and “faking it”. Not only is it that I don’t learn anything new this way but I don’t grow as a photographer. I can’t show anything good from it either. I’m using the circumstances of my life as an excuse, always thinking I can’t photograph what I want because either I don’t have any money, I don’t have a place to do my photography, or what ever the reason might be, the truth is that I’m too much of a coward. Let me explain. The thing is that I’m scared of, is not knowing how to do something, photographing I know, but it’s finding people to photograph that I have trouble with. That is a problem I have for life in general, I’m too isolated and feel it’s never “a good time” to reach out to friends or people, feeling that I can’t trust my future enough to allow me to make commitments or to come through my promises. The same with my photography, if I manage to find good opportunity for interesting photos. I get scared and hesitant that I won’t be able to pursue it because “reasons”.
So that’s how my 2019 pretty much was, me looking at people from afar and most often not even looking at people but inanimate objects because that’s “safe”.
I want to experience life, experience the world and thus always be in a good position to find good photos. What my photography has always been is to have a reason to explore, to travel, to experience, and to meet people. It’s the best tool I have to do what I want to do in life. So when I fail at my photography I fail my life, so that has to stop and something I need to concentrate on making a genuine effort going forward and not be held down by my self-esteem issues.
What I want photography to be. Finding a core, an essence of me and the world I see and the world I want to find. That should be my primary goal, why else would I be doing this? How else can I even do something that might be good? I have to look onward not just for 2020 but it should set the tone and foundation for what will be my photography for the foreseeable future. I might be putting too much pressure on it but it’s more about feeling and seeing where it takes me. I have to figure out what I really am interested about and explore it, whatever it is, even if it is just to try it out.